The Inner Machinations of Erwin Nah
Ever wondered why we're all born into this world, just to meet people, criticise them, they criticise you, you get pissed and then you have an outlet called Blogger top vent it all off? Well... I don't have the reason either. When you ditch someone, all your acquintances, especially those who do not seem to have much contact with you whatsoever, doesn't know jack shit about you, except what they hear from others, will instinctively flock to the victim to comfort and help, everyone instantly views the one who was thrown out of the boat as pitiful and worthy of help (maybe so...), and they view the one who throws that person out as the bad guy. Why! The guy who threw that person out could have been saving that person, the ship was sinking, or the person flung over could have been the bad guy. Anyway, well, people love to just have information about someone else, just to use at the appropriate time, to go 'nuclear', just to have the position of "See! I told you so!" kinda shit. Apologies don't matter. Let me now realise and state for the whole world, on the record, that if you know me well enough, tension that occurs around me I try to make better with dark humour. If you look carefully, I was actually wallowing in self-pity below...the last entry. I hate it! Absolutely hate it when people just try to read you, like you're soe kind of specimen, meant to be studied, your every move, every single action recorded and assumed that it occurs for what only our individual minds can understand. We instantly assume from rumours that someone is like that. There's still this major stigmata that Erwin is a bastard, he liked this girl that I liked too, so he is invariably evil and from what I heard those other bastards say, he is a controlling-evil-bossy-who-betrays-everyone and he wants absolute power. Well, news for all you sickening hanger-ons, I'm not like that, and if she could for but a moment use her heart to decide all these, judging from what we've been through, then she wouldn't come to that conclusion. She knows my wit, she knows how I talk. I believe that if you were in SAJC, and you happened to know one of my closer friends, then they would be able to tell you that I actually can keep a secret and I'm not Evil Erwin. But anyway, if you sickening hanger-on, knew one of my friends, you'd probably be saying the same things about me. Let's clear the air once and for all, DON'T YOU EVER SMILE AT ME WHEN WE HAPPEN TO ENCOUNTER ANYWHERE. I never did say anything behind YOUR back, probably because no one ever wants to talk about you, and that no one ever wants to trifle with the snitch. If you like a girl, you try your best to get them. I'D ALSO LIKE TO STATE FOR THE RECORD THAT NOT EVERYONE WHO CAN MAKE EFFECTIVE CONVERSATION WITH A GIRL IS EVIL AND BAD AND WHAT-NOT. Who the hell do you think you are, spouting rubbish in her ear all day long? Fine, let's state first that I'm not attacking your friends, I'm attacking an acquaintance, and if you don't like it well, that's just too bad. I've had it with such people, you should understand. These snotty little bastards are like demonic imps whispering little evils in your ear to make you do sinful little thing. AH! Does he do this so that I would talk about him? I think he probably would get a sadistic little saticfaction that someone finally said something about him. If you look at the whole picture, I still think that it's a major bummer. I'm now rushing off to school now, with Jewel playing her guitar in my headphones. Was listening to Beastie Boys last night. I tell you this is a major screw-up. You, irritating hanger-on, better bugger off when you see me. I have no wish to smile at you balck two-faced little heart. Ah screw it lah, you freaking idiot, you love doing this, go ahead, find every single girl I've ever been interested in and go tell her something delicious, go latch onto her like the parasite that you are, and one day, I promise you, I'll blow out your bulb. Just watch me, a promise I make, with God and his Angels bearing witness. Now, let's go off to school and be merry. You can also take part in the "Let's-Guess-Who-This-Wanker-Is" contest, send your answers to my guestbook. The answer will be revealed to you via phone call, please leave your number too.
It's gone, all gone
Everything's dead
The small things done
All things said
There's not a single thing left
I've gone and done and said to make
You sad and mad and angry for the theft
Of your assured world, where I hung on for our sake
But it was a fantasy
Of flowers, chocolates, gifts and dates
I'm sorry that I broke up your imagined reality
No more will we frequent those restaurants and cafes
You'll take my presents and tuck them away
Or toss them aside as warm tears are discarded
And as you wonder yourself to sleep and thus a new day
Do not always remember the day we parted,
For I will not, cannot, feel anything anymore
Other than how I broke our hearts, and this beautiful picture, I finally tore.
Erwin Nah (19th "Day After" June 2002)
Michelle Branch - Goodbye to You
Of all the things I believe inI just want to get it over with
tears from behind my eyesbut I do not cry
Counting the days that past me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Looks like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend and I say
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I love
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems like I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes till you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light but it's not right
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Ohhh yeah
It hurts to want everything & nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you but I'm not giving in this time
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
And when the stars fall and I lie awake
You're my shooting star
Alright! Yes. How do you help someone get over you? Make yourself look like the bad guy. What have I got to lose anyway, I've already lost everything, sacrificing this good guy image to help her get on with life was worth it. Don't think she'll be coming around here anymore, and people probably not visit this jerk site anymore, but don't you just love the drama? This has got to be the single m,ost melodramatic linked sites ever. Like a soap opera, ala Days of Our Lives, or Baywatch (heh heh...). Swell. Bummer. She hates me now. But she's moving on. I'd like to apologise to all those people who had to mistake me for some jerk, I honestly am not, that was just to help someone along. The hardest part was typing out the 'F' words, goodness, they're the worst. Heh. I think I'm reading too deeply into "About A Boy" by Nick Hornby. I was actually trying to copy the British-accented type of writing, pretty cool huh. Oh well, goodbye to Yaqin. Loving her always, Erwin. She's not visiting my site anymore, because she hates me, or so I assume. Heh. Well, I've got a few poems to put up, I'll place them here, since no one seems to go to the other site. Cheers!
I haven't posted anything up here since Geraldine's house party, probably because it just takes up too much thoughts. I BROKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND LAST NIGHT, and well, it's not a decision I'm hoping to regret. All of you people probably have read her journal and are thinking that I'm a jerk and oh, he should'nt have done this and he shouldn't have done that. Well, Reality Check for you peeps...Life doesn't go our way and yes, it's unfair. It's not easy to work with one. Well, my first reason (not ranked according to importance) is that I saw absolutely no future whatsoever with her. All I've been seeing for the past two weeks have been the fact that in the end, in this relationship, someone would have ended up hurt, that's because both of us believed it was going to end (crazy huh...). Yes, we both said it was going to end. I believe that all this thinking started up in my head the other day we were out and I think we argued over the fact that she keeps messaging other people while we're out. That was lame, yes, but a totally legitimate one. People seem to only want to change others, but never themselves. Let's just say that I started getting weary of this whole "we're-bored-let's-quarrel" routine. I was finding it so hard to actually think that this might last longer, and that I might somehow fall back madly in love with her, only to rehash this thing again and cause her more hurt. Its actually giving me more of a hard time. I started thinking that I'll try my best to have a go at it some more, only to realise that it comes to an end. What kind of relationship is that "Let's-enjoy-each-others-company-until-I-get-bored-of-you-and-be-the-one-to-ditch-you". Two people cannot and should not start a relationship like this. It should be something where both parties actually finally consent to trying their hand at liking each other till the point of marriage. Sounds awfully formal doesn't it? But hell yes, it should be that way, not like "Hey, we like each other a lot, but I'm sorry (says one) it's gonna end somewhere. It's going to end and when that time comes, I'll be the one doing the ditching, not the other way round." I mean...that is totally screwed up. Fucking hell, it's like I'm with you, and I'm supposed to be happy all the time, Let's-Live-For-Today-Lee-Hwa-I-Live-For-Today-Here-and-Now kinda "enjoy each other's company? Don't get me wrong people, I do love this girl, but what the hell am I supposed to do if all these things don't go away? These thoughts intruded on my everything, like "how do I break it to her?", "am I making the right move?", "will everyone see me as Erwin the Bad Guy?". I know, I've read her blog, and everytime I see my name there after reading her laments I actually kinda wanna rip my own head off, but yeah, I'm making the choice for myself here.
That brings me to my second reason. Time. T-I-M-E. you know, the all-important thing that brings us all forward? Well, I don't have enough of that now, and I think I want to have time for myself, not make trips to have lunch with her and then she goes on to school and I just have to go all the way back myself, receiving only the "thanks for this, I appreciate it, love you very much, you're the greatest". At that point in time, well, I really was into it, but well, everyone as a human being, would like sometimes to have things done their way. Now I've realised that I'm a shallow bastard, I'm lazy and I really don't like other people calling me hypocritical and stuff. Let's put this on the record, everytime a Guy goes out with a Girl, she has to look pretty, she has to be lady-like (just a little needs to be occasionally shown), and he'll remind himself that he likes this girl and everything she says is interesting. They progress on, he'll think that her singing's really moderate, not popstar-like, maybe not even karoke-nice, but well, it's not piercing and can be tolerated. The word "It's fine, I think you're singing's really great", would pop out occasionally, just to score points. And well, I'm sorry, I digress. TIME. I don't have much of it to spend with other on short notice sometimes. It becomes a chore when someone is always dangling a "It's fine, if you don't want to go, I really don't mind." hoping that you would miraculously have no change of heart and spring up to say "No no, I really should go." I'm a boyfriend, it's my obligation. Bloody hell, let me stay home and bum around guilt-free! I have no time to travel all the way from Pasir Panjang to Yishun, on a bloody train filled with old farts and little snotty children crying and idiotic mutts trying too hard to look like every other mutt. It's in their head or something. Wake UP! YOU all Look the same! Wearing different colours doesn't make the shirt or pants or ugly hat any less common! Dimwits. Bloody hell. I can't believe this. I'm going totally nuts over some silly thing. Forget it. Just treat me like the bad guy, hate me if you will, and when I get some composure (despite just sitting down I'm angry), I'll post a better entry. I worte a poem for her too. Catch it on my poetry page. By the way, there are many other little reasons that I have no time to think up and type out. I have no time to just sit around and do nothing. Yes, I'm shallow. Go ahead, hate me if you will. I'm just finally being honest with myself.
Cheers,
Erwin Nah
(The Day After)
